Hallowed are my awesome boobs!

So my dear delusional Kairi and I were watching stargate and she tried to make me think that I look like Morena Baccarin. In the process of proving her wrong I got a little carried away and might have proven her right. Whoops. At least I have incentive to post to my blog now.

I found three pictures of Morena as Adria and tried to recreate them. The second one is ever-so-fancy. And by the way, even after putting lots of effort into it (I fucking curled my hair for the first picture !!) I DO NOT look like her. Point proven? No? Take a closer look at the pictures then.
Kelly Does Not In Any Way Resemble Adria From Stargate.

'Dis issue settled now?
Goooooood.

I will not waste any more of this night by using my motivation to make lots of new blog posts and schedule them to publish every 24 hours or so. Should keep the blog alive for a little while, I hope.
Doodles!

-Morena
-Adria
-Kels

Adria: Would you care for a demonstration?

~Random Quote from Stargate SG1 "The Quest, Part 1"

SAD

This is going to be one of those not-really-happy posts but I think it's going to shed some light on that post from couple of months ago (the one that did not exist) and is also sort of a lesson on mental health problems.

I'm finally "coming out" with this because I think I sort of need to write it out to make sense of some stuff and I know that in a couple of months I will be too far gone again to be willing to actually discuss it. This is of course putting it on a much larger bell than strictly necessary but screw that, I can cover it up with lighthearted travel posts later. God knows there are so many that I've neglected to write.

Anyway. Have you guys heard of SAD? It is quite a stupid acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder and in a nutshell what it means is that a person with (in my case relatively) normal mental health will experience the symptoms of depression in the winter months. It has something to do with how much light one gets during the winter vs how much light in the summer. Skimming over the wikipedia article there are some mentions of theories about it but really, nothing conclusive.

However I am really not that interested in the actual scientific side of it. The reality is that the shorter the days get, the moodier and eventually depressed I get. No, I haven't been to a psychologist. Frankly even if I could find one in this godforsaken town, I doubt I could ever open myself up enough for it to be useful. Perhaps I'm just unwilling to get better but I hate to dwell on that. Pessimism makes me self destructive.

It is too easy for someone who hasn't experienced this feeling to say that instead of being depressed I should "cheer up instead" or "when you feel sad, do something you like". But that's the entire point. If it were that easy, I wouldn't be trying to arrange these words on paper at the moment.
Because it is easy to say those things when you don't know the helpless feeling you get when you come home from school, feeling entirely spent. And maybe something bad happened that day. Because no matter how insignificant in the long run, at that moment you feel like the house of cards you have built to make yourself reach the light, just crumbles away from under your feet.
Sorry for being badly poetical but I'm trying to explain the feeling. You come home and that insignificant bad thing just feels like the end of the world and no amount of reasoning could possibly make you see it for what it really is. You just curl up somewhere and wonder to yourself: how can the world still be turning when I'm feeling so alone, so helpless? Why can't it just stop, I can't do this anymore, I want to get off this ride!
But the world doesn't stop. It keeps on going, whirring on around you so fast that everything is a blur. You feel your breathing getting faster and you can't even control that. Everything is just slipping away and crushing you under its weight. But the world doesn't stop and instead I have to go to bed in the evening where I get to be alone with my thoughts, trapped in my own self-hatred until sleep claims me.

And you see next day I have to go to school. I can't just explain to my teachers that my homework is undone because "I didn't feel like it". People often mistake depression for laziness and that just makes me sad. I want to take those people by the shoulders and shake them hard yelling "You don't know what it's like!" You don't know how it feels to be unable to do anything because what's the fucking point? I'm already a failure, how much worse can it get?
It is not a voluntary thought and a part of my mind knows that if I don't do stuff I need to do, it can and it will get much worse but when you're so far gone, you can't make yourself care anymore. You just want to make all the pain stop.

I'd hate to be a whiny teenager who keeps making up shit that maybe wrong with her to get attention. I'm sorry if that is how I come across. And maybe I am just making this up but then again, what kind of attention I'm really hoping to get from a blog that has all of two readers. I do apologise to Kairi and Bambs for I'm sure it's easier to think everything is alright. Specially when I've gone to such lengths just to make you guys think it's all nice and dandy but I can't anymore.

Perhaps for clarity's sake I should point out that this, for me, is nothing new. I've been having trouble with how winters treat me, since perhaps 6th or 7th grade. 8th grade was when shit hit the fan and I couldn't deal with it normally anymore. That's when the self-destructive part of me came out to play. I wish I could say that I'm learning to deal with it, but in reality I think I'm not learning at all. Winter 2012 was, in a way, harder on me than the previous ones. I don't really know why but it was anyway. Irrational, considering I'm finally sort of happy with where I am. Then again, nothing about depression is rational.

I know that seeing a friend in trouble is hard, specially if you know that there's nothing you can do. I do apologise for putting you in this position now but I can't help it. I need to put it out there even if it doesn't make anything better. At least I can come back to this post at some point and see if anything has changed. Maybe I get to be more open on my blog now although some things I can't talk about still. Some things are better kept for yourself because making them someone else's problem just isn't fair.  

PORNainen... porNAINEn ... PORN NAINEn. so... many... puns...

Again, funny place name aside (yes it's real, very real in fact.) go on, click on all the links. hehe.
While in finland I seem to have only ome primary purpose:

you'd think it gets easier once I moved but not really...

yes, the picture looks all grainy and ancient but that's because this is what I'm forced to take the pictures with. I refuse to call it a camera, it is barely a potato.

my old worn phone that I used to take this picture is just about as good as that... potato. I have no love for olympus in general.
But of course this is a sort of minor issue. My aunt and niece are coming for a visit tomorrow so I'm perhaps they are bringing their good actual camera and I can post some pictures that don't look like they were dragged through the darkest pits of the internet.
I don't have much new to talk about. The weather here has been very rainy, specially when we are outside walking the dogs.

I tried my hand at making sefiir (brownie points if you can tell me what it's called in english.) didn't turn out all that well...
Aand I guess for today, that's about it. Sorry!
-Kels

How to post comments.

STEP 1

So you are reading this post. Scroll down a little ways until you come to find the place where this post ends and next one starts. Difficulty level: 2

Okay. This done you should arrive on A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PAGE OHMYGOD WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!

STEP 2

I know, I know. you are now staring at the computer all like

But if you just follow my illustrated guide, you'll be alright. I promise.

Anyhow this is where we get to the writing and revealing your identity (or not) part.

Difficulty level: 29184903274 (Naw, I'm just kidding it's fucking easy.)

So now you have successfully learned how to post a comment to my blog.

I bet that you are looking at a pretty tough question now: But why on earth should I waste 2 minutes of my life just to talk to you?

Well, here's my answer: 

Do you like hugs? Do you like brownies? Do you like fluffy kittens? 

If you post a comment to my blog today, you can get A VIRTUAL HUG, PICTURES OF BROWNIES AND VIDEOS ABOUT FLUFFY KITTENS. ALL OF THESE PRIZES ARE HANDMADE AND COMPLETELY FREE. BUT THAT IS NOT ALL! IN TRUE TOP SHOP NATURE IF YOU COMMENT NOW (yes, now, in a fucking year I'll have forgotten all about this post.) I WILL POST A PICTURE OF ME LOOKING LIKE THIS*:

Pinky promise. So go ahead and implement what you learned right now. please? :)

-Kels

*This offer is only valid if you are NOT  Kairi or Bambs.

Complete boredom

I haven't done this in a while. That is, writing a blog post for no other reason than complete and utter boredom.
Actually I do have some photos to share with you guys, I guess.
So my sister works quite late sometimes and therefore I have a lot of time to kill and therefore I decided to go walking a couple of times. I think I already have shared with you the breathtaking views of this neighborhood but here's a more recent picture anyway:

I walked quite a lot in one go. In fact I can show you my exact route, to make stalking and possibly murdering much, much easier:

I'm not sure how many kilometers that is but it sure felt like a lot...
That was my first adventure, the second one went a little like this:

Generally the same route, cept the second one has additional forestadventures.
Ohyeah, the forest adventures were awesome:

I swear to god, I saw that road in front of me and I realised that this is where I wanna stay. Of course the impending doom in the form of storm clouds was also heavy on my shoulders so I decided to hurry. First I saw this and thought I was absolutely fucked:

"I'll be completely drenched soon!!" I thought. But then I saw this:

And figured that fuck it, at least I'll be completely filled with blueberrys or whatever the fuck it is I'm shoving down my face. Doesn't matter, had food.

Also the view was absolutely fantastic and my shitty pictures don't do it justice at all.
I've also tried (and failed!) to cook, I take my sister and the dog walking every day for shorter walks and y'know. Life's good...

Aside from being bored as hell.
Anyway. Tomorrow I'll be cooking and packing and then I'm off to Pornainen. Yes. Funny name ha-ha. Let's just try to look past the funny and focus on the fact that I'll have brand new stuffs to share with you.
Also I hope that I won't forget to take pictures of the brownies I'm cooking tomorrow, just so I can rub all of your faces in the fact that I have brownies and you don't.

You know what? I'm a good person. So here's a 5 minute cup-brownie recipe that I haven't tried out yet but want to.

Here it is. Clicky-clicky.

No but seriously someone try this out and tell me if it's good. I'm curious.

-Kels

P.S: you know what would make my day? If someone new actually joined me and Kairi down in the comments section. It's right down there. You know where it says "comments"? Yeah, clicky that. Wait, lemme draw you a handy guide

Books and Fashion and a special surprise at the end.

So do you know that feeling when you walk into a 3-storey building, that just so happens to be filled by books? For sale? Yes, a 3-storey bookstore. 1/6th of which are in english.
May not sound like much but is, in reality, so much, that I just want to live there. I bought three books, obviously. Would have gotten more but I have a shit ton of required reading and then another shit ton of books I want to read through and not enough money to buy the whole store.
Excuse my rambling. Here's what I bought:

Part of the discworld series that I'm trying to get into. I bought "The Colour of Magic" Before I went to Sweden but haven't had a chance to read it yet. I was hoping to go through the series in Estonian because it would be easier to appreciate Pratchett in my mother language but most of his books haven't been translated and cost more than 20€ a piece so... (in comparison, I got both of the above mentioned books for around 10€)

I'm itching to start reading this. I decided to get one of his books when I read "Good Omens" written by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I already knew that Pratchett is awesome but I hadn't tried out Gaiman yet. I guess it's time to do it now.

I promised myself that next time I go to Helsinki and get myself into that big bookstore, I would buy another Stephen Fry book because I'm absolutely in love with "The Liar" that I bought last year. Goes without saying that I kept my promise and will be keeping it next year too. I NEED to get all of his books. NEED.

Lookit. I got a dress too. A *colourful* dress. Fancy that.
No, seriously, it was my decision to buy it. I was surprised too... But you gotta admit that it's fantastic.

Just to show off that I actually did buy those shoes and wasn't just screwing with your minds. Also why do I always look so fucking weird on all pictures?? Like, I try to smile and it just looks like my face has suffered some sort of a cramp.
Got some more shoes too but that's kind of irrelevant.
Ohyeah, leggings too:

These are adorable, I know. No need to tell me.

Yeah okay it looks a bit weird. But they are adorable, I swear. The shoes are my sisters and the short jeans don't really quite look right on the leggings but whatever. You get the gist. I bet you don't really care anyway so I might as well just sort of end this post and write again once I actually have something to write about.

-Kels

P.S:

You're welcome.

in Finland @ mah hood.

Greetings, salutations, ovations, etc. Just like three years previously, I am in Finland again. But that is so beside the point. What I'm really here for is this:

Remember this?

And this?

And that third picture from this years March that I forgot to post so you couldn't poosibly actually know about it but it was my hair with red streak things again?
Well I decided that since this year the red streaks washed out so fast and were almost unnoticeable that I'd go to the hairdressers and try something new?
Well I think this...

... is something new alright.

Bitches, I'm purple!!!

And for the next eternity, until my hair grows out, blonde.

Fuck. Yes.

Also. Anyone watch football yesterday?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, SPAIN WON EURO 2012. FUCK YES. It has been a good couple of weeks all 'round.

My sisters home-away-from-home (cottage) got finished finally as well but since nobody who reads this blog actually cares, I won't be bothering you with pictures. Although as of now, there are exactly 666 pictures of the building process, which, awesome.

In addition I bought myself some shoes. Nothing special, mind you.

I kid you not, those are 10cm wedges that I bought. Haven't broken anything on them yet ('cept for the skin on my heel) but then again, I have only worn them twice. But then again, one of those times was a trip to the store and back. Sothere. I'm awesome. And tall, finally!!!!

I'm pretty sure that for today, I have said everything I wanted to say so doodles. But I do hope to be more mindful of my blog while here, at Finland. I have to regularly upload photos anyway so I hope I also regularly write about *censored word that my sister protests against. You should NOT hear what she wanted me to write instead. Shit is pretty mild compared to that.*. Although Kairi is away and therefore won't be reading my blog and so I'm really just writing to myself and perhaps Bambs and now I'm rambling goodbye.

-Kels