Meh

I apologise in advance for this angsty, dark post that I just need to get out of the way.
Sometimes I wish that I could just gather all my friends up in a big room, keep them close to me and personally make sure nothing happens to them. But reality is that I cannot. No matter how badly I want to keep my friends from harm's way, bad things happen to good people.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense but I'm slightly sleep deprived, tired and refusing to go to bed. Truth is, I haven't been sleeping well having woken up every morning to some kind of a nightmare or two. This morning I fell asleep 4 times only to wake up to something nasty again. 4 nightmares, 4 or 5 good hours of sleep. Then, during the day, I met up with an old friend again.
I know this sounds nasty and egoistical and terrible but I kind of wish I hadn't. Seeing her in such a bad condition hurt me deeply. I just wish she'd listen to her friends rather than what her depression is telling her. Do what's right rather than what feels good in the moment.
I know it sounds all teenager-ly but I'm in pain right now. I just don't know what to do, I'm not even sure if I will publish this long, rambling speech. But I can't stop. Can't stop writing because I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself if my hands aren't kept busy otherwise. The sunny days haven't quite kept the darkness at bay.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore or why seeing her affected me like this.
A part of me just wants to spill my guts on this stupid blog but I don't think I'm quite ready to put it all out there yet.
Sister is coming home the day after tomorrow, I just have to stand strong until that.

I'm not sure I can.


Again, I apologise for the post. So far I have managed to keep mostly off the blog if I feel like this (i.e. winter) but I do recall now a similar post from last summer or perhaps the one before that. I don't know. Maybe it's a thing. But I'm still not ready to try sleeping...



-Kels

In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my pain.

~Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation (1994).

Summer has suddenly arrived

And can you guys see how excited I am?

Even if I look slightly weird and orange. But that hardly matters. IT'S SUMMER.
I still have two exams (Yes, I'm procrastinating) and a practical dying thing in Kohtla-Järve so this may be my last post ever but that depends on wether or not I still remember how to use blogger after I've been turned into a drug mule.
Anyhow. Kairi wanted pictures of the noms. Lemme show you some. Although it is kind of mean to show them now that they are gone but y'know. Better late than never.

This was takes right after I'd finished coating them with melted chocolate which, by the way, is really boring, annoying and messy.

This is the whole tray of noms. Somewhere around 50 truffels I think.

A closer look. They were mailed off the same day.

Lo and behold! An even closer look. Covered in melted chocolate and topped off with almond shavings. I'm making myself hungry now...
However since I am a nice person and you probably have tons of free time nowadays, Kairi, then I shall link to the receipe which I used.
It's right there. The word 'receipe' up there... click it. Go on and click it, I know you want to.
It only takes like a couple of hours to do those, the most time consuming thing is waiting for the dough thing to harden in the fridge and then waiting for the truffels to harden in the fridge before dunking them into a pool of chocolate.
There you go. This has been a post.

-Kelly

"Ohmygod these domino truffels are, like, so disgusting, I shall never eat any."

~Said no-one, ever.

Birthday

Well, my actual birthday was a little under a month ago but due to unforeseen (or perhaps foreseen but ignored) circumstances I did not receive all my bresents and stuffs at the right time. Today that grave mistake was finally corrected. A.k.a: Bambs and Kati came over.
So the present from kati was basically a hesburger kiddie meal which, awesome.
And bambs got me this monster:

Yes, that is indeed a giant slinky.

A giant, rainbow coloured, slinky. Awesome.
I also, for some reason, was under the impression that I had forgotten to write about what Kairi sent me but, having checked my last post, I now know it to be untrue. Very well.
Basically that means end of post because the post service is a giant bag of dicks and my gift to the cookie-sending Kairi herself has been lost or killed or perhaps stolen. Fuck. Everything.
Pictures when I'm sure that it has either reached its destination or confirmed to be eternally lost.
Anyway until that time, this will have to do:

So on this very special day

I would like to say to you

I hope you'll always find happiness

In whatever you may do.

-Kelly

13th and friday. What's with that anyway?

So yesterday was 11,5th April, Wedneandhalfsday. More commonly known as 12th April. Fairly commonplace, happens every year. But perhaps someone remembers that it is kind of sort of perhaps maybe my birthday. If no then good. No need to remember such trivial things.
Anyway, last weekend my sister came home to check out her house, which by the way:

Pretty nifty considering that a year ago this was still a forest. But thanks to cheap childlabour (me) and my parents and Kaja and her husband, this is now a house.
Ohyeah, the constructors did something too. Not much, considering that this was supposed to be finished by last years jaanipäev.

Anyway, sister. Home. Right. Mom and sisters teamed up to get me a birthday present, which was a computer. Laptop to be precise. and here it is. My new baby:

DELL inspiron n5110. Fuck yes.
And because I'm funky and it came with a switchable cover it now looks exactly like this: (Don't you just love The Google. I don't actually have to take any pictures myself, just type in what I need to show you and there it is, in much better quality)

Funky.
In addition to that and a bar of chocolate, this was waiting for me when I got home (didn't google this one, don't worry):

Ohyes. Kairi. That cookie-baking, stargate-drawing, book-translating far too good an example of a human being, has done it again. Sent me a birthday present. Geese.
Leaving me to wonder what the hell am I supposed to do now. I mean the cookies are half-gone for obvious reasons (I tried hiding them from myself but I seem to keep finding them again and again. Darn.) and I am already addicted. Also that abovementioned stargate-watching, card-writing, gift-sending lady has a birthday in half a month. See my problem everyone?

Anywho, this has been a post. I'd add more gifs just because but blogger is usually a bitch with them so I won't bother.
Ohyes, I'm finally 12!!!!!111!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!1111111111!11apple!!!11



P.S: third place in the english county this year. Fuck everything, my streak has been broken.

-Kelly

Is that a birthday? 'tis, alas! too clear;'Tis but the funeral of the former year.

~Alexander Pope, To Mrs. M. B, line 9.

*le stare*

Guise, wanna see something adorkable?

Okay so let's be honest here. 

I so don't feel like writing. I don't know why. I guess partly because I've been feeling so shitty that I haven't been in the mood to do anything for the better part of winter. And when I do feel like writing about something, I couldn't possibly publish it. It's weird having actual people who aren't Bambs or Kati in your rl. 

Life hasn't been exactly nice but I think I'm getting there. Somewhere at least. 

And yeah, about the things that I can't talk about. It's not that I don't want to talk about them, although it's that too, it's just that I can't really go around name-dropping when I know my classmates could easily be reading this. My tumblr is the place where to go if you really want to know what's going on i my head. But the b-side I shall not reveal. 

One more thing:

 Quite clearly, 12th April does. not. exist.

C'est la vie.

-Kelly

Invisible post

Sorry but this post is going to be a cryptic collection of quotes from my earlier posts. For documentation purposes.

Oh yeah I got my ski equipment. I guess it's something. It means that I actually managed to drag myself out of bed before the stores closed. Well okay it was only 30 minutes before the stores closed but still. I would call that development. But then again I'm not normal either.
~2nd January 2010

If anyone build a time machine I'd like to rewind and do everything again, mkay?
~4th January 2010

Oh yeah, I'm so screwed. I mean I have a week to study for physics county. I have been procrastinating for a month and now it's all collapsing on me.
~10th January 2010

I so completely hate myself right now. I hate myself because... Well because I'm just such a FAIL!
[...]
Sorry for not keeping in touch everyone... I just really don't feel like talking anymore. This is last winter all fucking over again.
~9th March 2010

That's what I get for giving up. Serves me right, really. Can't wait for the flipping spring break. A little rest sounds real good right now. Yeah...
~10th March 2010

Natalie Merchant - My skin
~25th March 2010

I'm not lonely. And SecretZen isn't my home. And I didn't spend my Jaanipäeva night watching Harry Potter movies and eating exessive amounts of candy. Alone. Till 3am AND I AM HAPPY.
~25th June 2010

Just to make it perfectly clear to everyone: I love it here. I love it, I love it, I love it and I reallyreallyreally don't want to go back, kay? No, I don't miss home and why should I? I hate it there, mkay?
~26th July 2010

I am amazed though that I survived New Years this year. I guess it's sort of a tradition to try and drown yourself in a glass of kids' champagne and hope to achieve some sort of happy state thanks to the sugar.
[...]
But hey, I haven't fallen into that great deep pit of darkness I was in last year around this time (or well in march but I'm hoping to steer clear of that this year). Yet.
~1st February 2011

I wish people would stop telling me I'm not good enough. I wish people would stop telling me I'm not fast enough, strong enough, smart enough...
~13th February 2011

Pink - Fucking perfect
~6th March 2011

Writers block
~27th october 2011

So I'm pretty grinchy this season, which, given the fact that I've the coolest half a year yet, seems pretty stupid. It is but there's fuck all I can do about it.
~23rd December 2012

Shit hits the fan
~January 2012

Or youknow, the things that do happen I can't talk about here...
 Yeah.....
 ~17th January 2012 

Well, there's school, obviously. And occasional lifeing. With long streaks of probably-depression.
 ~15th March 2012

I know it sounds all teenager-ly but I'm in pain right now. I just don't know what to do, I'm not even sure if I will publish this long, rambling speech. But I can't stop. Can't stop writing because I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself if my hands aren't kept busy otherwise. The sunny days haven't quite kept the darkness at bay.
~15th June 2012

Conclusion unavailable.

-Kels

Ladies and gentlemen, this shall be a post.
A blog post. To please my faithful reader. And Bambs.
So what has been going on in Kellyland:
Well, there's school, obviously. And occasional lifeing. With long streaks of probably-depression.
Then more school. And friends, can't not mention my friends.
Kaja and Kaida both came home for a week each. Saw Kaidas new dog, Pipa. Honestly those two are so overwhelming at times, it's creepy. But I guess I can deal with that when I go to Finland for the summer.
Gah, it's so annoying how I have nothing to talk about.
Vacation starts tomorrow, btw. Maybe I'll pull myself together and make an actual post then.
Maybe.