Sunday, February 13, 2011

I wish people would stop telling me I'm not good enough. I wish people would stop telling me I'm not fast enough, strong enough, smart enough... I wish we could all snap out of this very estonian-like attitude of "we're just not fucking good enough and don't you even dare think otherwise."
I live in a small town. A small town where nothing ever changes. Everything has come to a full stop and everyone expects it to stay that way. But you see, I have dreams. I have dreams of actually going somewhere with my life, actually doing something. Getting out. And yet, nobody believes that I could possibly achieve that.
I have heard my mother tell me, countless times since telling her that I'm about to switch schools, how much easier it would be to stay in my old school. How much harder it's going to get and how my grades will drop. How I'm not going to make it. And if I tell her to stop telling me off, to stop bringing down my self-esteem, it's already fucking low enough, she just denies it. I can still hear it though, ringing in my ears. She said it. And she will say it again. Why? Because change in this town is something bad.
My home town is mostly filled with old people. Everyone who is young and wants to go to the university, must move out to Tartu or Tallinn. And then they are encouraged to come back. To work as someone invisible, someone with no future because that's how it has been for decades in here.
We are forced to think that this town is our future, that we have to come back because of some elusive pride everyone else seems to have. And adapt into the same lifestyles as everyone else. Living in a bubble, unable to understand that the world is changing. Unable to accept that people are different and it's something to be cherished, not hated. Living up to their necks in hatred, racism, phobias and fear.
It is for some reason the general consensus, that we are just not good enough. That we are lower. Maybe it's an isolation thing, maybe some remnant of the soviet-era belief system or perhaps a memory of our ancestors in slavery, brewing away at the back of our heads, making us unable to believe in ourselves. It is for some reason believed that when it comes to the rest of the world, they are better and we could never achieve their greatness and you know what? Trying would be just pointless so we may as well give up.
And it's time we, as the new generation, stop thinking like that. We can do it.
We can fucking do it!
We are not lower, we do not give up. We are brilliant and we can achieve anything we want, because we have the means and we have the brains.
And yes, it's going to be hard, it's going to be dissappointing and it's going to be painful. But that's just life. Nothing is ever easy and the flower may look ugly as ever, but it will smell sweeter than anything you have smelled before. All we have to do is keep going. Push ourselves through the barriers, and dream big. We are all equal, we can all do whatever we set our minds to if we just try hard enough. And would you stop listening to them haters? Geesh, girl, they know nuffin. Nuffin at all.
The world is ours and we can do whatever the hell we want with it. You just watch us.


Without a dream you'll not get anywhere.
~Kofi Annan, in Kofi Annan: Center of the Storm (2003)


  1. You know, when I switched schools before 8th grade, I was told the exact same thing. "You'll never be on top again." I believed it myself, too. I mean, how was I - a girl from the woods, literally - supposed to compete with the city-educated kids? Well, guess who graduated 12th STILL on top? The new school will be just as easy as the first one was, for you, too. So don't you dare worry about that.

    As for the rest... psh, of course we can do it and be awesome. We will and we will. Done. But at least I believe that once I'm done making it and being awesome, I want to go back home and spread the awesomeness. Perhaps not specifically Kõpu-home (/too/ small), but I would never dream of leaving Estonia (permanently), or even moving to Tallinn, for that matter. I'm sure there's a love for your home in you, too, and wouldn't it be wonderful to take all that confidence and ableness and use it to /make your home better/? I think that's the problem these days, all us young have only one aim - to get the hell out of here. But small places /can't/ evolve if there's nobody to to develop them. The old are, well, old, their soviet mindset can't affect us much longer. And then what? With all the young gone, will the small places die out? I hope not. Instead of running off to greener pastures, I'd love to see my /own/ pasture bloom again.

    comments are usually short but this is an essayyyy O_O

  3. uhh how can I possibly respond to that?
    okay let's see

    I believe that I can make it in another school, I just wish people wouldn stop telling me I won't :D

    and as for the second page, that is.. well yeah, I guess what you are saying is true, but can I just keep on working for my country when it's not even sure if it will last? Npt to sound overly dramatic or pessimistic here but I only have one life and it's short and important only to me so should I not work towards making my own life the best it could be? I know that it's egoistic and I'm not saying that it's impossible to be happy in estonia or that in time our economy won't pick up and our pasture will start getting a bit greener but is it really fair to me to say, be loyal to my country and live in poverty with my twelve children working as a cleaner-lady if I could go to some other country and be an astronomer, which is a really impossible example but I hope you get what I mean.
    Of course it'd be reallysuperawesome if we could all just life the country on our shoulders and take off running with it but it's still free choice, is it not?

  4. Yup, an essay was exactly what I aimed for xD Nah, this just happens to be a topic which I feel strongly about, so bear with me. You see, /of course/ this is all your choice, I'm just trying to introduce you to the other point of view. Naturally your goal should be living a full and happy life; what I'm saying is that happiness means more than just money (which can be /easily/ gained in Estonia, if you're recourceful). Happiness is self-actualisation. And that means... well, you know what it means. And seeing how much I love Estonia, it would be impossible for me to actualise myself, having ditched my home. Going into clichés - we are the future and I personally want my part of the future to be about more than just myself.

  5. That is a really good point and I really can't argue with that so this is the point where I bow and humbly back out of the proverbial room. :D

  6. Aw, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to silence you up. It's just, well, I can't really stop myself once I get geared up in debate-mode. And this /is/ a fine topic. Did you ever see "Ühtne Eesti suurkogu"? If not, google "käi perse - ühtne eesti suurkogu". That pretty much sums it up.

  7. Oh wow.
    yeeeeeeeeah. wow.
    Trufax though.
    respect, man.